Wednesday, January 16, 2008

For the first assignment this semester, I gave each person a fork. I quickly found that forks are not as thought-provoking as eggs... But here is my contribution nonetheless...

A natural history of the common plastic fork

The common plastic fork (forkus plasticus) is a fascinating creature as demonstrated in it's Linnean taxonomy below:
  • Domain: Eukaryota (organisms which have cells with a nucleus)
  • Kingdom: Animalia (with eukaryotic cells having cell membrane but lacking cell wall, multicellular, heterotrophic)
  • Phylum: Chordata (animals with a notochord, dorsal nerve cord, and pharyngeal tine slits, which may be vestigial)
  • Subphylum: Vertebrata (possessing a backbone made of rigid plastic, to protect the dorsal nerve cord)
  • Class: Plasticalia (endothermic vertebrates with shiny plastic exoskeletons and mammary glands which, in females, stab solid food to nourish young)
  • Subclass: Placentalia (giving birth to live young after a full meal has been procured)
  • Order: Tinates (tines face forward, food grasping tines, and two types of tines: pokey and spear-like)
  • Family: Hominidae (upright posture, no brain, stereoscopic vision for stabbing food, flat face, tines and handles have different specializations)
  • Genus: Forkus (multi-tined, "fork")
  • Species: Plasticus (shiny, well-developed tines, flexible, disposable)

The forkus plasticus has formed a symbiotic relationship with humans over time and have allowed themselves to become domesticated. These sheltered creatures have discovered that by allowing humans to use them to facilitate clean and neat eating habits (usually) they themselves have found safe haven from the elements through domestication. See illustration below.

Most humans believe that the domesticated variety is the only strain of Plasticus Forkus in existence but research has proven that this may not be the case.

This photo was found outside a rural residence in southern Indiana.

The person who discovered these tracks wants to remain anonymous because if word were to spread of the location, media would quickly descend on the property thereby destroying possibly the only surviving natural habitat of the Plasticus Forkus Wildensis, a subspecies believed to have been distinct since the last Automat closed. I submit the following photos as evidence of the revival of this pristine plastic beauty.

You be the judge!

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