Saturday, April 18, 2009

for ME and for me

the smell of your favorite shirt last night -
that stupid Whinnie the Pooh shirt
you carelessly flung across the chair -
stopped me dead

suddenly you were fully fleshed
and standing before me
vibrant and shining with health
i wrapped my arms around
the shirt and held you close

the irony of an empty shirt
containing so much precious to me
could not hold back the tidal wave
of mixed emotions as i pressed
the memory of you deep against myself

we danced that way -
an awkward dance with no beat -
until you filled the hole
and despair leaked away

your face, your voice, the salt of your skin
stayed behind and circled
through the ragged space that once
overflowed with the force that was YOU
filling a void i thought was infinite

a transcendent peace
wafted through me and
the more I inhaled the shirt
the less i could see you, or hear you,
touch you or taste

the passing of your scent opened me
to the new you, the one who will
remain with me forever but whom i cannot touch -
my constant companion, purveyor of peace,
wellspring of emotions that eat me whole and
spit out the new me

your body may be gone but you live on -
the form of your presence has changed, but
my body is starting to grow accustomed
to smelling your new presence

i laid the shirt back on the chair
and walked away
it was now just an empty thing
like when i left you behind in your hospital bed
ears purpling and flesh cooling

and that moment crushed me
and saved my life
because it was then that you
became the best part of me

and even though you are with me
in these metaphorical lines
and always in my thoughts
i still miss you like sin
and love you like the moon
but at least i had a chance
to know you

thank you

3 comments:

Corey said...

beautiful

Akira Oni said...

My condolences.

Andrea said...

Wow Beth!!! That was extremely touching! Hope you are doing well as you are in my thoughts and prayers...Andrea